Patient to the eye doctor: “Whenever I drink coffee, I have this sharp, excruciating pain.”
– Honey, this coffee tastes like dirt.
– That’s not surprising, dear, it was just ground this morning.
People ask me if I wake up grumpy in the morning……. I reply—-No, I just bring her some coffee !!!
A man went to his psychiatrist and said, “Every time I drink my coffee, I get a stabbing pain in my right eye,” the psychiatrist said, “well, have you tried taking the spoon out?”
I’m sure all coffee beans are juvenile. They’re always getting grounded!
What do you call a cow who’s just given birth? De-calf-inated!
“I want you to drink a cup of hot water every morning,” prescribed the doctor. “You gotta be kidding, doc,” I’ve been doing that for years, but my wife calls it coffee”.
I met someone in the elevator who was drinking coffee and complaining about how coffee made him nervous. I said why don’t you quit drinking coffee. He said, “because if I didn’t have the shakes I wouldn’t get any exercise at all.”
This guy walks into a coffee shop and asks the waitress: “How much is the coffee?” “Coffee is three dollars the waitress said”. “How much is a refill?” the man asked. “Free”!!!!! said the waitress. “Then I’ll take a refill”!!!!!.
Two woman are fighting in the supermarket. One quickly get the Folgers coffee, and dumps down the other woman’s shirt. The lady asks why did she did that? Her response was, “There’s nothin’ more better than waking up with Folgers in your cup.”
A lady came into the kitchen, sat down at the table, leaned forward, put her head in her hands and said to her husband “Honey, I feel terrible! My head hurts, my back’s killing me and my left breast just burns and burns.” He said “I’m gonna help you, Dear. I’ll get you some aspirins for the headache, I’ll rub your back with Myoflex for the backache, and if you’ll sit up and get your breast out of the coffee, it’ll stop burning!”
Customer: Waiter, is this supposed to be coffee or tea? Waiter: What does it taste like? Customer: It tastes like gasoline! Waiter: Well, sir, that would be the coffee. The tea tastes like turpentine.
I have heard that if your wife/husband makes bad coffee, that is grounds for divorce.
Bad Cup of Coffee
A sweet little boy surprised his grandmother one morning and brought her a cup of coffee. He made it himself and was so proud. He anxiously waited to hear the verdict on the quality of the coffee. The grandmother had never in her life had such a bad cup of coffee, and as she forced down the last sip she noticed three of those little green army guys in the bottom of the cup.
She asked, “Honey, why would three little green army guys be in the bottom of my cup?”
Her grandson replied, “You know grandma, it’s like on TV, ‘The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup.'”
Men are like … coffee.
The best ones are rich, hot, and can keep you up all night.
The 23rd Cup
Caffeine is my shepherd; I shall not doze.
It maketh me to wake in green pastures;
It leadeth me beyond the sleeping masses.
It restoreth my buzz.
It leadeth me in the paths of consciousness for its name’s sake.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of addiction,
I’ll fear no Equal for thou art with me;
Thy cream and thy flavorings they comfort me.
Thou preparest a carafe before me in the presence of Juan Valdez.
Thou anointest my days with vigor; my mug runneth over.
Surely flavor and aroma shall follow me all the days of my life
and I will dwell in the House of Maxwell forever.
At the data-entry company where I work, the other operators and I share a coffeepot. One morning I took it into the ladies room to fill it with water. Then I began preening in the mirror, brushing my hair and reapplying some makeup. I didn’t realize how long I’d been until someone slid a note under the door. “You win,” it read. Any ransom demand will be met. Just release the coffeepot.”
A man walked up to a vending machine, put in a coin, and pressed the button labeled, “Coffee, double cream, sugar.” No cup appeared. Then two nozzles went into action, one sending forth coffee, the other, cream. After the proper amounts had gone down the drain where the cup should have been, the machine turned off. “Now that’s real automation,” the man exclaimed. “This thing even drinks it for you!”
This elderly lady went to the doctor for a check-up. Everything checked out fine.
The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, “Doctor, I haven’t had sex for years now and I was wondering how I can increase my husband’s sex drive.”
The doctor smiled and said, “Have you tried to give him Viagra?”
The lady frowned. “Doctor, I can’t even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache,” she claimed.
“Well,” the doctor continued, “Let me suggest something. Crush the Viagra into a powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the coffee and serve it. He won’t notice a thing.”
The old lady was delighted. She left the doctor’s office quickly.
Weeks later the old lady returned. She was frowning and the doctor asked her what was wrong. She shook her head.
“How did it go?” the doctor asked.
“Terrible, doctor, terrible.”
“Did it not work?”
“Yes,” the old lady said, “It worked. I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad love on the table. It was the best sex that I’d had in 25 years.”
“Then what is the problem, ma’am?”
“Well,” she said. “I can’t ever show my face in McDonald’s again.”