Dirty One Liners

Q: When do you kick a midget in the balls? A: When he is standing next to your girlfriend saying her hair smells nice Q: What’s the difference between your job and a dead prostitute? A: Your job still sucks! Q: What did the hurricane say to the coconut palm tree? A: Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job! Q: How does a woman scare a gynecologist? A: By becoming a ventriloquist! Q: What’s 6 inches long, 2 inches wide and drives women wild? A: a $100 bill! Q: Whats long and hard and has cum in it? A: a cucumber Q: How do you kill a circus clown? A: Go for the juggler! Q: Did you hear about the guy who died of a Viagra overdose? A: They couldn’t close his casket. Q: Who was the worlds first carpenter? A: Eve, because she made Adams banana stand Q: Why does Dr. Pepper come (cum) in a bottle? A: Because his wife died! Q: If a dove is the “bird of peace” then what’s the bird of “true love”? A: The swallow. Q: What do you call a cheap circumcision? A: a rip off Girl: “Hey, what’s up?” Boy: “If I tell you, will you sit on it?” Q: How do you get a nun pregnant? A: Dress her up as an alter boy. Q: Why can’t you play Uno with a Mexican? A: They steal all the green cards. Q: Why don’t orphans play baseball? A: They don’t know where home is Q: What’s the difference between a Catholic priest and a zit? A: At least a zit waits until you’re a teenager before it cums on your face! Q: What does it mean when your boyfriend is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? A: You didn’t hold the pillow down long enough. Boy: “Want to hear a joke about my dick? Never mind, its too long.” Girl: “Wanna hear a joke about my pussy? Never mind, you won’t get it.” Q: How do you tell if a chick is too fat to fuck ? A: When you pull her pants down her ass is still in them Q: What do you call 2 guys fighting over a slut? A: Tug-of-whore. Q: If the world is a Jacket where do poor people live? A: In the hood. Q: What’s the cure for marriage? A: Alcoholism. Q: What do you call an anorexic bitch with a yeast infection? A: A Quarter Ponder with Cheese. Q: Why do they call it PMS? A: Because Mad Cow Disease was already taken Q: How do you stop a dog from humping your leg? A: Pick him up and suck on his cock! Q: What’s slimy cold long and smells like pork? A: Kermit the frogs finger Q: What’s a porn star’s favorite drink? A: 7 Up in cider. Q: What’s the difference between a bowling ball and a blonde? A: You can only fit three fingers inside a bowling ball! Q: What do preists and Mcdonalds have in common? A: They both stick there meat in 10 year old buns Q: What do you call a white guy surrounded by 9 black guys? A: Steve Nash. Q: Why can’t Jesus play hockey? A: He keeps getting nailed to the boards. Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly? A: Kick his sister in the jaw. Q: Why do men get their great ideas in bed? A: Because their plugged into a genius! Q: What do you call an artist with a brown finger? A: Piccassole Q: Did you guys hear about the cannibal that made a bunch of businessmen into Chili? A: I guess he liked seasoned professionals. Q: What’s the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer? Q: A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again. Q: Why was the guitar teacher arrested? A: For fingering A minor. Q: Three words to ruin a man’s ego…? A: “Is it in?” Q: Whats 72? A: 69 with three people watching Q: What do the Mafia and a pussy have in common? A: One slip of the tongue, and you’re in deep shit. A redhead tells her blonde stepsister, “I slept with a Brazilian….” The blonde replies, “Oh my God! You slut! How many is a brazilian?” Q: Why don’t black people go on cruises? A: They already fell for that trick once. A daughter asked her mother how to spell penis, her mom said you should have asked me last night it was at the tip of my tongue. Q: What has got two legs and bleeds? A: Half a dog! Q: What do you call an afghan virgin A: Mever bin laid on Q: Why does Miss Piggy douche with honey? A: Because Kermit likes sweet and sour pork. Q: What do you call a party with 100 midgets? A: A little get together. Q: What is the difference between an illegal immigrant and E.T.? A: E.T. eventually went home! Q: Why can’t you hear a psychiatrist using the bathroom? A: Because the ‘p’ is silent Q: Why did God give men penises? A: So they’d have at least one way to shut a woman up. Q: What do you call a lesbian dinosaur A: A lickalotopis Q: What’s the difference between being hungry and horny? A: Where you put the cucumber. What did the elephant say to a naked man? Hey that’s cute but can you breath through it? Q: Did you hear about the celebrity murderer? A: He was shooting for the stars. Q: What do girls and noodles have in common? A: They both wiggle when you eat them. Q: What’s the difference between roast beef and pea soup? A: Anyone can roast beef. Q: Why did Tigger look in the toilet? A: Because he was looking for Pooh If a firefighters business can go up in smoke, and a plumbers business can go down the drain, can a hooker get layed off? Q: Do you know what the square root of 69 is? A: Ate something If you had a donkey and I had a chicken and if your donkey ate my chicken what will you have? Three feet of my cock up your ass. Q: What do you call a 13 year old girl from Kentucky who can run faster than her six brothers? A: A virgin. Q: What kind of bees produce milk? A: Boobies Q: Did you hear about the African American girl who was quiet during the movie? A: She wasn’t Q: What do you call two fat people talking? A: A heavy discussion. Q: How do you start a parade in the ghetto? A: Roll a 40 down the street. Q: What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking? A: Slow down. And possibly use a lubricant. Q: Whats the worst thing about dating a blonde? A: If you don’t know what hole to put it in neither do they. Q: What did the penis say to the vagina? A: Don’t make me cum in there. Q: Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning? A: They don’t have balls to scratch. Q: What do you call ball’s on your chin? A: A dick in your mouth! Q: Did you hear about the Mexican racist? A: He joined the que que que. Q: What do you call a man who cries while he masturbates? A: A tearjerker. Q: What did the banana say to the vibrator? A: Why are YOU shaking? She’s going to eat me! Q: Whats the difference between the Florida State football team and a Florida State cheerleader? A: They both suck for four quarters. What’s the difference between a rabbi and a priest? A rabbi cuts them off; A priest sucks them off Q: Why do dwarfs laugh when they play soccer? A: The grass tickles their balls Q: How do you rape a camel? A: One hump at a time. Q: What do you call a bunch of retarded kids in a pool? A: Vegetable soup. Q: What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts that a 25 year old doesn’t? A: Her navel. Q: What does a good bar and a good woman have in common? A: Liquor in the front and poker in the back! Q: What do you call a Spanish chick with no legs? A: Cuntswaylow Q: Why did the semen cross the road? A: I wore the wrong socks today.