Dirty One Liners

Q: When do you kick a midget in the balls? A: When he is standing next to your girlfriend saying her hair smells nice Q: What’s the difference between your job and a dead prostitute? A: Your job still sucks! Q: What did the hurricane say to the coconut palm tree? A: Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job! Q: How does a woman scare a gynecologist? A: By becoming a ventriloquist! Q: What’s 6 inches long, 2 inches wide and drives women wild? A: a $100 bill! Q: Whats long and hard and has cum in it? A: a cucumber Q: How do you kill a circus clown? A: Go for the juggler! Q: Did you hear about the guy who died of a Viagra overdose? A: They couldn’t close his casket. Q: Who was the worlds first carpenter? A: Eve, because she made Adams banana stand Q: Why does Dr. Pepper come (cum) in a bottle? A: Because his wife died! Q: If a dove is the “bird of peace” then what’s the bird of “true love”? A: The swallow. Q: What do you call a cheap circumcision? A: a rip off Girl: “Hey, what’s up?” Boy: “If I tell you, will you sit on it?” Q: How do you get a nun pregnant? A: Dress her up as an alter boy. Q: Why can’t you play Uno with a Mexican? A: They steal all the green cards. Q: Why don’t orphans play baseball? A: They don’t know where home is Q: What’s the difference between a Catholic priest and a zit? A: At least a zit waits until you’re a teenager before it cums on your face! Q: What does it mean when your boyfriend is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? A: You didn’t hold the pillow down long enough. Boy: “Want to hear a joke about my dick? Never mind, its too long.” Girl: “Wanna hear a joke about my pussy? Never mind, you won’t get it.” Q: How do you tell if a chick is too fat to fuck ? A: When you pull her pants down her ass is still in them Q: What do you call 2 guys fighting over a slut? A: Tug-of-whore. Q: If the world is a Jacket where do poor people live? A: In the hood. Q: What’s the cure for marriage? A: Alcoholism. Q: What do you call an anorexic bitch with a yeast infection? A: A Quarter Ponder with Cheese. Q: Why do they call it PMS? A: Because Mad Cow Disease was already taken Q: How do you stop a dog from humping your leg? A: Pick him up and suck on his cock! Q: What’s slimy cold long and smells like pork? A: Kermit the frogs finger Q: What’s a porn star’s favorite drink? A: 7 Up in cider. Q: What’s the difference between a bowling ball and a blonde? A: You can only fit three fingers inside a bowling ball! Q: What do preists and Mcdonalds have in common? A: They both stick there meat in 10 year old buns Q: What do you call a white guy surrounded by 9 black guys? A: Steve Nash. Q: Why can’t Jesus play hockey? A: He keeps getting nailed to the boards. Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly? A: Kick his sister in the jaw. Q: Why do men get their great ideas in bed? A: Because their plugged into a genius! Q: What do you call an artist with a brown finger? A: Piccassole Q: Did you guys hear about the cannibal that made a bunch of businessmen into Chili? A: I guess he liked seasoned professionals. Q: What’s the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer? Q: A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again. Q: Why was the guitar teacher arrested? A: For fingering A minor. Q: Three words to ruin a man’s ego…? A: “Is it in?” Q: Whats 72? A: 69 with three people watching Q: What do the Mafia and a pussy have in common? A: One slip of the tongue, and you’re in deep shit. A redhead tells her blonde stepsister, “I slept with a Brazilian….” The blonde replies, “Oh my God! You slut! How many is a brazilian?” Q: Why don’t black people go on cruises? A: They already fell for that trick once. A daughter asked her mother how to spell penis, her mom said you should have asked me last night it was at the tip of my tongue. Q: What has got two legs and bleeds? A: Half a dog! Q: What do you call an afghan virgin A: Mever bin laid on Q: Why does Miss Piggy douche with honey? A: Because Kermit likes sweet and sour pork. Q: What do you call a party with 100 midgets? A: A little get together. Q: What is the difference between an illegal immigrant and E.T.? A: E.T. eventually went home! Q: Why can’t you hear a psychiatrist using the bathroom? A: Because the ‘p’ is silent Q: Why did God give men penises? A: So they’d have at least one way to shut a woman up. Q: What do you call a lesbian dinosaur A: A lickalotopis Q: What’s the difference between being hungry and horny? A: Where you put the cucumber. What did the elephant say to a naked man? Hey that’s cute but can you breath through it? Q: Did you hear about the celebrity murderer? A: He was shooting for the stars. Q: What do girls and noodles have in common? A: They both wiggle when you eat them. Q: What’s the difference between roast beef and pea soup? A: Anyone can roast beef. Q: Why did Tigger look in the toilet? A: Because he was looking for Pooh If a firefighters business can go up in smoke, and a plumbers business can go down the drain, can a hooker get layed off? Q: Do you know what the square root of 69 is? A: Ate something If you had a donkey and I had a chicken and if your donkey ate my chicken what will you have? Three feet of my cock up your ass. Q: What do you call a 13 year old girl from Kentucky who can run faster than her six brothers? A: A virgin. Q: What kind of bees produce milk? A: Boobies Q: Did you hear about the African American girl who was quiet during the movie? A: She wasn’t Q: What do you call two fat people talking? A: A heavy discussion. Q: How do you start a parade in the ghetto? A: Roll a 40 down the street. Q: What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking? A: Slow down. And possibly use a lubricant. Q: Whats the worst thing about dating a blonde? A: If you don’t know what hole to put it in neither do they. Q: What did the penis say to the vagina? A: Don’t make me cum in there. Q: Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning? A: They don’t have balls to scratch. Q: What do you call ball’s on your chin? A: A dick in your mouth! Q: Did you hear about the Mexican racist? A: He joined the que que que. Q: What do you call a man who cries while he masturbates? A: A tearjerker. Q: What did the banana say to the vibrator? A: Why are YOU shaking? She’s going to eat me! Q: Whats the difference between the Florida State football team and a Florida State cheerleader? A: They both suck for four quarters. What’s the difference between a rabbi and a priest? A rabbi cuts them off; A priest sucks them off Q: Why do dwarfs laugh when they play soccer? A: The grass tickles their balls Q: How do you rape a camel? A: One hump at a time. Q: What do you call a bunch of retarded kids in a pool? A: Vegetable soup. Q: What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts that a 25 year old doesn’t? A: Her navel. Q: What does a good bar and a good woman have in common? A: Liquor in the front and poker in the back! Q: What do you call a Spanish chick with no legs? A: Cuntswaylow Q: Why did the semen cross the road? A: I wore the wrong socks today.

 

Funny Doctor Jokes

A guy goes to the doctor.

“Doc, I can’t stop singing ‘The green, green grass of home.'”

“That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.”

“Is it common?”

“It’s not unusual.”

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.

A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said: “You’re really doing great, aren’t you?”

Morris replied: “Just doing what you said, Doc. Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.”

The doctor said: “I didn’t say that. I said, You’ve got a heart murmur – be careful.”

Bob saw his doctor and asked if he had ever laughed at a patient.

“In over 20 years I haven’t because I try to remain professional.”

With that Bob dropped his trousers revealing the tiniest dick the doctor had ever seen. It wasn’t any bigger than a AAA battery.

The doctor burst into uncontrolable hysteria. “I’m sorry I really am, I don’t know what came over me, I promise it won’t happen again. Now what seems to be the problem?”

“It’s swollen” said Bob.

A guy goes to the doctor.

“Doc, I can’t stop singing ‘The green, green grass of home.'”

“That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.”

“Is it common?”

“It’s not unusual.”

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.

A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said: “You’re really doing great, aren’t you?”

Morris replied: “Just doing what you said, Doc. Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.”

The doctor said: “I didn’t say that. I said, You’ve got a heart murmur – be careful.”

Bob saw his doctor and asked if he had ever laughed at a patient.

“In over 20 years I haven’t because I try to remain professional.”

With that Bob dropped his trousers revealing the tiniest dick the doctor had ever seen. It wasn’t any bigger than a AAA battery.

The doctor burst into uncontrolable hysteria. “I’m sorry I really am, I don’t know what came over me, I promise it won’t happen again. Now what seems to be the problem?”

“It’s swollen” said Bob.

Why do doctors slap babies butts right after they are born?

To knock the penises off the smart ones.

baby,girl

A doctor is going about his business, with a rectal thermometer tucked behind his ear.

He goes into a staff meeting to discuss the days activities, when a co-worker asks why he has a thermometer behind his ear?

In a wild motion he grabs for the thermometer, looks at it and exclaims: “Damn, some asshole has my pen!”
Why do doctors slap babies butts right after they are born?

To knock the penises off the smart ones.

baby,girl

A doctor is going about his business, with a rectal thermometer tucked behind his ear.

He goes into a staff meeting to discuss the days activities, when a co-worker asks why he has a thermometer behind his ear?

In a wild motion he grabs for the thermometer, looks at it and exclaims: “Damn, some asshole has my pen!”

Furniture Jokes


Heavy

When my father-in-law decided to move after his retirement, he invited us to his home to take a few pieces of furniture he wanted us to have. One item was beautiful but very heavy — an antique dining-room set. Our teenage son helped us wrestle the set into our truck. It took the whole day, but finally the table, chairs, and china cabinet were sitting in our dining room.

“Just think,” I said as I admired the furniture while my son sat resting. “This set is 100 years old. And someday, it will belong to you.”

“Oh, no!” he replied with a stricken look on his face. “You mean I’m going to have to move this thing AGAIN?”


Late

Rebecca gets into work late one Monday morning and goes to see her boss to apologise. “I’m sorry I’m late, but I had to move some furniture this morning before I came into work. In fact my back is killing me after my efforts.”

“So why didn’t you wait until your husband gets home tonight?” asks her boss.

“I could have,” says Rebecca, “but the couch is easier to move if he’s not on it.”


Surprised

President George W. Bush was going to a Home Depot. He was surrounded by his bodyguards, and everyone immediately took notice of the unusual sight. They looked closer and they saw who it was.

Everyone was in awe. “Why would George W. bush be in a Home Depot?” they all asked each other. “He should have his workers do it for him”.

Finally, one man asked the President, “What are you doing in this little store of ours?”
To which George replied, “Oh, everyone has been saying that I should get a new cabinet”.


Systems Administrator

I work as a systems administrator, and part of m job involves answering questions about computers. I generally like my job, but sometimes it gets on my nerves. When people ask me what I find so irritating, this is what I tell them:

Imagine that you are a salesperson for Ikea (substitute “furniture store” if you don’t know what “Ikea” is). You get a phone call that goes like this.

Customer: I’d like to buy a kitchen table.

You: That’s fine; we have many styles of kitchen tables, I’m sure you can find one you like.

St. Patrick’s Day Jokes

stpatjokes-550

Tom: What do you get when you cross a four-leaf clover with poison ivy?
Pee Wee: I don’t know.
Tom: A rash of good luck on St. Patrick’s Day.

Joke submitted by Tommy F., Aberdeen, Md.


Seth: What do you call a fake Irish stone?
Spencer: What?
Seth: A shamrock!

Joke submitted by Seth F., Frederick, Colo.


nickelcomic-1

Comic by Scott Nickel


David: Mom, I met an Irish boy on St. Patrick’s Day.
Mom: Oh, really?
David: No, O’Reilly!

Joke submitted by David K., Shelby Township, Mich.


Joe: Why shouldn’t you iron a four-leaf clover?
Bob: Tell me.
Joe: You might press your luck!

Joke submitted by Eric H., San Diego, Calif.


patrick-2

Comic by Scott Nickel


Jack: On what musical instrument did the showoff musician play his St. Patrick’s Day tunes?
Ally: I have no idea.
Jack: On his brag-pipes.

Joke submitted by Jacqueline S., Moline, Ill.


Keenan: What do you call leprechauns who collect aluminum cans, used newspapers and plastic bottles?
Liam: What?
Keenan: “Wee-cyclers!”

Joke submitted by Jacqueline S., Moline, Ill.


patrick-3

Comic by Scott Nickel


Ian: Where do leprechauns buy their groceries?
Colin: I don’t know.
Ian: Rainbow Foods!

Joke submitted by Ian C., Minneapolis, Minn.


Peyton: What did the leprechaun say on March 17?
Cody: I dunno.
Peyton: “Irish you a Happy St. Patrick’s Day!”

Joke submitted by Andy K., Perkasie, Pa.


nickelcomic-2

Comic by Scott Nickel


Carrot: Knock, knock.
Potato: Who’s there?
Carrot: Irish stew.
Potato: Irish stew, who?
Carrot: Irish stew in the name of the law.

Joke submitted by J.S., Hayward, Calif.


Evan: What’s Irish and stays out all night?
Steffan: What?
Evan: Paddy O’Furniture.

Joke submitted by Evan R., Wylie, Tex.


patrick-1

Comic by Scott Nickel

http://boyslife.org

Funny Coffee Jokes


Patient to the eye doctor: “Whenever I drink coffee, I have this sharp, excruciating pain.”

“Try to remember to remove the spoon from the cup before drinking.”

– Honey, this coffee tastes like dirt.
– That’s not surprising, dear, it was just ground this morning.

People ask me if I wake up grumpy in the morning……. I reply—-No, I just bring her some coffee !!!

A man went to his psychiatrist and said, “Every time I drink my coffee, I get a stabbing pain in my right eye,” the psychiatrist said, “well, have you tried taking the spoon out?”

I’m sure all coffee beans are juvenile. They’re always getting grounded!

What do you call a cow who’s just given birth? De-calf-inated!

“I want you to drink a cup of hot water every morning,” prescribed the doctor. “You gotta be kidding, doc,” I’ve been doing that for years, but my wife calls it coffee”.

I met someone in the elevator who was drinking coffee and complaining about how coffee made him nervous. I said why don’t you quit drinking coffee. He said, “because if I didn’t have the shakes I wouldn’t get any exercise at all.”

This guy walks into a coffee shop and asks the waitress: “How much is the coffee?” “Coffee is three dollars the waitress said”. “How much is a refill?” the man asked. “Free”!!!!! said the waitress. “Then I’ll take a refill”!!!!!.

Two woman are fighting in the supermarket. One quickly get the Folgers coffee, and dumps down the other woman’s shirt. The lady asks why did she did that? Her response was, “There’s nothin’ more better than waking up with Folgers in your cup.”

A lady came into the kitchen, sat down at the table, leaned forward, put her head in her hands and said to her husband “Honey, I feel terrible! My head hurts, my back’s killing me and my left breast just burns and burns.” He said “I’m gonna help you, Dear. I’ll get you some aspirins for the headache, I’ll rub your back with Myoflex for the backache, and if you’ll sit up and get your breast out of the coffee, it’ll stop burning!”

Customer: Waiter, is this supposed to be coffee or tea? Waiter: What does it taste like? Customer: It tastes like gasoline! Waiter: Well, sir, that would be the coffee. The tea tastes like turpentine.

I have heard that if your wife/husband makes bad coffee, that is grounds for divorce.

Bad Cup of Coffee

A sweet little boy surprised his grandmother one morning and brought her a cup of coffee. He made it himself and was so proud. He anxiously waited to hear the verdict on the quality of the coffee. The grandmother had never in her life had such a bad cup of coffee, and as she forced down the last sip she noticed three of those little green army guys in the bottom of the cup.
She asked, “Honey, why would three little green army guys be in the bottom of my cup?”
Her grandson replied, “You know grandma, it’s like on TV, ‘The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup.'”

Men are like … coffee.
The best ones are rich, hot, and can keep you up all night.

The 23rd Cup

Caffeine is my shepherd; I shall not doze.
It maketh me to wake in green pastures;
It leadeth me beyond the sleeping masses.
It restoreth my buzz.
It leadeth me in the paths of consciousness for its name’s sake.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of addiction,
I’ll fear no Equal for thou art with me;
Thy cream and thy flavorings they comfort me.
Thou preparest a carafe before me in the presence of Juan Valdez.
Thou anointest my days with vigor; my mug runneth over.
Surely flavor and aroma shall follow me all the days of my life
and I will dwell in the House of Maxwell forever.
Amen!

At the data-entry company where I work, the other operators and I share a coffeepot. One morning I took it into the ladies room to fill it with water. Then I began preening in the mirror, brushing my hair and reapplying some makeup. I didn’t realize how long I’d been until someone slid a note under the door. “You win,” it read. Any ransom demand will be met. Just release the coffeepot.”

A man walked up to a vending machine, put in a coin, and pressed the button labeled, “Coffee, double cream, sugar.” No cup appeared. Then two nozzles went into action, one sending forth coffee, the other, cream. After the proper amounts had gone down the drain where the cup should have been, the machine turned off. “Now that’s real automation,” the man exclaimed. “This thing even drinks it for you!”

Viagra Coffee
This elderly lady went to the doctor for a check-up. Everything checked out fine.
The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, “Doctor, I haven’t had sex for years now and I was wondering how I can increase my husband’s sex drive.”
The doctor smiled and said, “Have you tried to give him Viagra?”
The lady frowned. “Doctor, I can’t even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache,” she claimed.
“Well,” the doctor continued, “Let me suggest something. Crush the Viagra into a powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the coffee and serve it. He won’t notice a thing.”
The old lady was delighted. She left the doctor’s office quickly.
Weeks later the old lady returned. She was frowning and the doctor asked her what was wrong. She shook her head.
“How did it go?” the doctor asked.
“Terrible, doctor, terrible.”
“Did it not work?”
“Yes,” the old lady said, “It worked. I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad love on the table. It was the best sex that I’d had in 25 years.”
“Then what is the problem, ma’am?”
“Well,” she said. “I can’t ever show my face in McDonald’s again.”

Lawyer Jokes

Questions About Lawyers
Q: How many lawyer jokes are there?
A: Only three. The rest are true stories.

Q: What’s wrong with lawyer jokes?
A: Lawyers don’t think they’re funny and other people don’t think they’re jokes.

Face of a murderer? Q: What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers?
A: Skeet.

Q: What do you call a lawyer gone bad?
A: Senator.

Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and an onion?
A: You cry when you cut up an onion.

Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 70?
A: Your honor.

Q: What do you throw to a drowning lawyer?
A: His partners.

Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A: His lips are moving.

Q: What do you have if three lawyers are buried up to their necks in cement?
A: Not enough cement.

Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
A: The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.

There is right and wrong. Q: What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a crooked lawyer?
A: Chelsea Clinton

Q: If you have a bad lawyer, why not get a new one?
A: Changing lawyers is like moving to a different deck chair on the Titanic.

Q: How does an attorney sleep?
A: First he lies on one side and then on the other.

Q: What’s the difference between a shame and a pity?
A: If a busload of lawyers goes over a cliff, and there are no survivors, that’s known as a pity. If there were any empty seats, that’s a shame.

Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a leech>
A: When you die, a leech will stop sucking your blood and drop off.

Final home for lawyers Q: How do you get a group of lawyers to smile for a photo?
A: Just say, “Fees!”

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Three. One to climb the ladder. One to shake it. And one to sue the ladder company.

Two Kinds of Lawyers
There are two kinds of lawyers: those who know the law and those who know the judge.

Mark Twain notes…
“It is interesting to note that criminals have multiplied of late, and lawyers have also; but I repeat myself.”

Bad Reputation
Isn’t it a shame how 99% of the lawyers give the whole profession a bad name.

People Drowning
If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?

Kliban Lawyer Herds

This is supposedly a TRUE news story. I have my doubts, but you decide….
A lawyer in Charlotte, NC purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against fire among other things. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed a claim with the insurance company.
In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost “in a series of small fires.” The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The lawyer sued….and won! In delivering the ruling the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be “unacceptable fire,” and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000.00 to the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the “fires.”
But… After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000.00 fine.

My client is an enigma... I thought I was guilty...

Lawyers and Alligators
Two alligators are sitting on the edge of a swamp. The small one turns to the big one and says, “I don’t understand how you can be so much bigger than I am. We’re the same age, we were the same size as kids… I just don’t get it.”
“Well,” says the big alligator, “what have you been eating?”
Alligator         “Lawyers, same as you,” replies the small alligator.
“Hmm. Well, where do you catch ’em?”
“Down at that law firm on the edge of the swamp.”
“Same here. Hmm. How do you catch ’em?”
“Well, I crawl under a BMW and wait for someone to unlock the door. Then I jump out, bite ’em, shake the crap out of ’em, and eat ’em!”
“Ah!” says the big alligator, “I think I see your problem. See, by the time you get done shakin’ the crap out of a lawyer, there’s nothing left but lips and a briefcase…”

Postal Service Goof
The Postal Service just had to recall their latest new stamp issue. Lawyers were part of the design and people couldn’t figure out which side to spit on.

Minister and Lawyer in Heaven
A minister and a lawyer arrived at the pearly gates, Saint Peter greeted both of them and gave them their room assignments.
“Pastor, here are the keys to one of our nicest efficiency units. And for you, sir, the keys to our finest penthouse suite.”
“This is unfair!” cried the minister.
“Listen,” Saint Peter said, “ministers are a dime a dozen up here, but this is the first lawyer we’ve ever seen.”

Insanity Defense Heaven Getting Crowded
One day, a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer all died and went to heaven.
St. Peter was there, having a bad day because heaven was getting crowded. When they got to the gate, St. Peter informed them that there would be a test to get into Heaven: They each had to answer a single question.
To the teacher, he said, “What was the name of the ship that crashed into an iceberg and sunk with all its passengers?”
The teacher thought for a second, and then replied: “That would have been the Titanic, right?” St. Peter let him through the gate.
Next, St. Peter turned to the garbage man, and figuring that heaven didn’t really need all the stink that this guy would bring in, decided to make the question a little harder. “How many people died on the ship?”
The garbage man guessed 1228, to which St. Peter said, “That happens to be right. Go ahead.”
St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. “What were their names?”

Brass Rat
A man came across a striking brass rat in an antique store and decided it would look great on his desk. He paid $100 for it but was surprised when the proprietor insisted it was non-returnable. He said, “It’s been returned twice already, and I don’t want to see it again.”
Leaving the store, the man saw a couple of rats scurrying around the corner; several more were near his car. As he drove, rats appeared from the gutters and side streets until he was nearly overwhelmed. In panic, he threw the brass rat over a bridge railing into a river, and witnessed the army of live rats follow it into the depths.
The man hurried back to the store, but the owner cut him short, saying, “Look, I told you there would be no returns.” The man quickly replied, “Oh no, that’s fine. I was just wondering if you had a brass lawyer.”

Sleazy Lawyer Lawyer Shark Car

Guess Who
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing “Love” stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says “I’m sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, ‘Guess who?'”
“But why?” asks the man.
“I’m a divorce lawyer,” the man replies.

Professional Fighting
Two physicians boarded a flight out of Seattle. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, an attorney got on and took the aisle seat next to the two physicians. The attorney kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the physician in the window seat said, “I think I’ll get up and get a coke.”
“No problem,” said the attorney, “I’ll get it for you.”
While he was gone, one of the physicians picked up the attorney’s shoe and put a thumbtack in it. When he returned with the coke, the other physician said, “That looks good, I think I’ll have one too.”
Again, the attorney obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the other physician picked up the other shoe and put a tack in it. The attorney returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.
As the plane was landing, the attorney slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.
“How long must this go on?” he asked. “This fighting between our professions? This hatred? This animosity? This putting tacks in shoes and spitting in cokes?”

Cats, lawyers, and billable time You are guilty

Three Wishes
Genie         A man walking on the beach came across an odd-looking bottle. Not being one to ignore tradition, he rubbed it and, much to his surprise, a genie actually appeared. “For releasing me from the bottle, I will grant you three wishes,” said the genie.
“But there’s a catch,” the genie continued. “For each of your wishes, every lawyer in the world will receive double what you asked for.”
First, the man wished for a Ferrari. POOF! A Ferrari appeared in front of him. “Now, every lawyer in the world has been given two Ferraris,” said the genie. “What is your next wish?”
“I could really use a million dollars.” replied the man, and POOF! One million dollars appeared at his feet. “Now, every lawyer in the world is two million dollars richer,” the genie reminded the man, and then asked him for his third wish.
The man thought for a minute and said, “Well, I’ve always wanted to donate a kidney.”

The Truck Driver, Priest, and Lawyer
A truck driver used to amuse himself by running over lawyers he saw walking down the side of the road. Every time he saw a lawyer walking along the road, he swerved to hit him and there would be a loud “THUMP”. Then he would swerve back on the road.
One day, as the truck driver was driving along the road he saw a priest hitchhiking. He thought he would do a good deed and pulled the truck over.
“Where are you going, Father?” The truck driver asked.
“I’m going to the church 5 miles down the road,” replied the priest.
“No problem, Father! I’ll give you a lift. Climb in the truck.” The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road. Suddenly, the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road.
Instinctively he swerved to hit him. At the last moment he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so he swerved back to the road and narrowly missed the lawyer.
Certain he should’ve missed the lawyer, the truck driver was very surprised and immediately uneasy when he heard a loud “THUMP”. He felt really guilty about his actions and so turned to the priest and said, “I’m really sorry Father. I almost hit that lawyer.”
“That’s okay,” replied the priest. “I got him with the door.”

Divorce Lawyers! From the mouth of babes...

Something for the Dear Departed
A lawyer, a used car salesman and a banker were gathered by a coffin containing the body of an old friend. In his grief, one of the three said, “In my family, we have a custom of giving the dead some money, so they’ll have something to spend over there.”
They all agreed that this was appropriate. The banker dropped a hundred dollar bill into the casket, and the car salesman did the same. The lawyer took out the bills and wrote a check for $300.
Money Bag
Not All Lawyers Are Thieves
A group of dinner guests were blaming all of America’s troubles on lawyers when a woman said, “They aren’t all so bad. Why, last year a lawyer gave me $1000.”
“I don’t believe it,” the host responded.
“It’s true, I swear it,” said the woman. “I had a complicated personal injury case and what with the lawyer’s fee, the cost of expert witnesses, the expense of the appeal and so on, my bill was $41,000. When the judgment only amounted to $40,000, my lawyer simply forgave the difference.”

Obituary Mistake
A local newspaper mistakenly printed an obituary for the town’s oldest practicing lawyer. He called them immediately and threatened to sue unless they printed a correction.
The next day, the following notice appeared, “We regret that the report of Attorney Critchley’s death was in error.”

Cartoon courtesy of www.juriscomic.com Two Boys’ Fathers
Having just moved to a new home, a young boy meets the boy next door. “Hi, my name is Billy,” he says, “what’s yours?”
“Tommy,” replied the other.
“My daddy’s an accountant,” says Billy. “What does your daddy do?”
“He’s a lawyer,” Tommy answers.
“Honest?” says Billy.
“No, just the regular kind.”

Problem at the Zoo
Someone mistakenly left the cages open in the Reptile House at the zoo and there were snakes slithering all over the place.
Frantically, the keeper tried everything, but he couldn’t get the slippery animals back into their cages. Finally, he yelled, “Quick, call a lawyer!”
“A lawyer? Why?”
“We need someone who speaks their language.”

Courtesy of Stu's Views Courtesy of Stu's Views

Lawyer and Engineer
A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean when they got to talking. The lawyer mentioned, “I’m here because my house burned down and everything got destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything.”
“That’s quite a coincidence,” remarked the engineer. “I’m here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood. My insurance company, too, paid for everything.”
There was a brief pause, and hen the puzzled lawyer asked, “How do you start a flood?”

Fair and Square
Taking his seat in chambers, the judge faced the opposing lawyers. “I have been presented by both of you with a bribe,” the judge bagan. Both lawyers squirmed uncomfortably. “You, Attorney Leoni, gave me $15,000. And you, ASttorney Campos, gave me $10,000.”
The judge reached in his pocket a pulled out a check, which he handed to Leoni. “Now, then, I’m returning $5,000, and we are going to decide this case solely on its merits.”

Early training to be a lawyer
(cartoon by Jason Love) I’m Innocent!
“How is it that you can’t get a lwyer to defend you?” the judge asked the prisoner.
“Well, yer honor, it’s like this. As soon as those lawyers found out I didn’t steal the money, they wouldn’t have anything to do with me.”

Lawyer on Vacation
A lawyer was on vacation in a small farming town. While walking through the streets on a quiet Sunday morning, he came upon a large crowd gathered by the side of the road. Going by instinct, the lawyer figured that there was some sort of auto collision. He was eager to get to the injured parties but couldn’t get near the car. Being a clever sort, he started shouting loudly, “Let me through! Let me through! I am the son of the victim.”
The crowd made way for him. Lying in front of the car was a donkey.

Are blondes smarter than lawyers? You be the judge.
A blonde and lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde, very tired, just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over toward the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists (as lawyers are wont to do) and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He says, “I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me $5.00 and vice versa.”
Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now agitated, says, “Okay, if you don’t know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don’t know the answer, I’ll pay you $500.00.”
This catches the blonde’s attention and, figuring there will be no end to the torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question, “What’s the distance from the earth to the moon?”
The blonde doesn’t say a word, reaches in her purse, pulls out a $5 bill and hands it to the lawyer.
“Okay,” says the lawyer, “your turn.”
She asks the lawyer, “What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?”
The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and Library of Congress, still no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to all his friends and coworkers, all to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500.
The blonde says, “Thank you,” and turns back to get some more sleep.
The lawyer, more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, “Well, what’s the answer?”
Without a word, the blonde reaches in her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

http://www.swapmeetdave.com/

Hair Dresser Jokes


I had a look at what searches commonly bring people to this site, and one of the most popular is – oddly enough – hairdresser jokes, so I thought it was time to add some hairdresser jokes, puns and one-liners, although this list includes lines about hair, and a lack of hair.  If you are the person or people who keeps searching for these, then I hope that you like these.  They come with the usual caveats about the lack of originality or funniness.

I saw an advert saying “Hairpieces from £5”. I thought, “That’s a small price toupee”.

How does the man in the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it. Click Here

I used to not like my hair. Then it grew on me.

I went into the barber’s shop the other day, and spotted that he had dirty hands. . He said, “I can’t help it.  I haven’t had anyone n in for a shampoo today’.

I like watching football matches when I’m at the hairdressers  The coverage is the same but the highlights are better.

A chap walks into a barber’s shop with a young boy.  The man has his hair cut, and as the boy is getting a trim, the chap says “I’ll nip out to the supermarket whilst you get your hair cut”.  Half an hour later, the haircut is finished but the man hasn’t returned.  The barber says “I think your dad has forgotten about you”.  The boy says “Oh, that’s not my dad.  He just stopped me on the street and asked if I wanted a free haircut, then brought me here”.

Just after a friend went bald, he inherited a comb. He said he will never part with it.

I know a bald chap who put a rabbit on his head. He wanted a head of hare.

Another bald chap I know never uses keys now. He’s lost his locks.

A man goes to see his barber to get his hair cut. The barber says “You’re going grey, sir”. The man says “I’m not surprised, hurry up, would you…”

Outer Space Jokes


Q: What is a spaceman’s favorite chocolate?
A: A marsbar!

Q: Why did the sun go to school?
A: To get brighter!

Q: How do you know when the moon has enough to eat?
A: When it’s full.

Q: what do you call a tick on the moon?
A: A luna-tick

Q:What kind of music do planets sing?
A:Neptunes!

Q: What’s a light-year?
A: The same as a regular year, but with less calories.

Q: Why did the cow go in the spaceship?
A: It wanted to see the mooooooon!

Q: What do planets like to read?
A: Comet books!

Q: What did the alien say to the garden?
A: Take me to your weeder!

Q: Why don’t aliens eat clowns?
A: Because they taste funny!

Q: What is an astronauts favorite key on the keyboard?
A: The space bar!

Q: Why did the cow go to outer space?
A: To visit the milky way.

Q: Where would an astronaut park his space ship?
A: A parking meteor!

Q: What was the first animal in space?
A: The cow that jumped over the moon!

Q: Why did Venus have to get an air conditioner?
A: Because Mercury moved in.

Q: What did the alien say to the cat?
A: Take me to your litter.

Q: Why did Mickey Mouse go to outer space?
A: He was looking for Pluto.

Q: What do you call a loony spaceman?
A: An astronut.

Q: What did the alien say when he was out of room?
A: I’m all spaced out!

Q: What do aliens on the metric system say?
A: Take me to your liter.

Q: Why did the people not like the restaurant on the moon?
A: Because there was no atmosphere.

YO MOMMA SO HAIRY JOKES!

Yo mama so hairy you almost died of rugburn at birth! Yo mama so hairy she look like she got Buckwheat, Bob Marley and Don King in a headlock. yo momma so hairy that when the fly flew into her bush,the fly sang, “In The Jungle The Mighty Jungle The Lion’s Sleep Tonight, In The Jungle The Mighty Jungle I Want 2 See It Tonight.” Yo mama so hairy Bigfoot is taking her picture! Yo Mamma is so hairy, it looks like she has all the male members of Duck Dynasty in a headlock. your mamma is so hairy, she looks like a puffle from club penguin. Yo mama so hairy, when she yawns, she sounds like Chewbacca. Yo mommas chest so hairy her titties look like coconuts. Yo momma so hairy she wears a Nike tag on her weave so now everybody calls her Hair Jordan. Yo mama so hairy, she’s a stunt double for Chewbacca and her baby daughter played the leader of the Ewoks (no makeup needed). Yo mama so hairy, people run up to her and say “Chewie, can I get your autograph?” Yo mama so hairy, she shaves with a weedwacker. Yo mama so hairy, if I shaved her legs, I could supply wigs for the entire Hair Club for Men. Yo mama so hairy, you almost died of rug burn at birth. Yo mama so hairy, she has afros on her nipples Yo mama so hairy when she moans she sounds like Chewbacca Yo mamas ass is so hairy whenever she moons people they turn into werewolves Yo Mama’s so hairy, she went to a hair salon and told the stylist to cut her hair, then she opened up her blouse! Yo mama’s so hairy that people can’t tell if it’s day or night yo mama so ugly and hairy the zoo offered to buy her kids Yo mamma so Harry that animal control thought she was a werewolf. Yo Mama is so hairy, Bear Grylls can’t find his way out of there! Yo momma so hairy chewbacca popped out of her butt and said its a jungle down there Yo mama so hairy, when she tried eating a banana someone called animal control and they put her in a zoo Yo mama so fat and hairy when she met godzilla she tought she was looking in the mirror Yo mama so hairy, that you need a lawn mower for her back Yo mama so hairy, she can stay at Hotel Transylvania. Yo MaMa such and Animal, during a full moon, with her Chin up in the Air, she howls at the full moon. ” Yo mama so hairy that when she walked across the farm the farmer said “OH NO I GOT A WILD GOAT” Yo mama so fat and hairy Joran van der Sloot couldn’t make her body disappear. Yo mama so hairy, she got offered the role of Chewbacca without even auditioning! Your momma is so hairy when she looks in the mirror Bloody Mary goes away Yo mamma so furry cats take pictures of her!! yo momma so hairy if she shaved GreenPeace would accuse her of deforestation. Your mama so hairy that when she walked to Six Flags the owner said,”Sorry….No bears allowed.” Yo momma so hairy she has to use tongs to pluck her eyebrows Yo mama has a fanny like an axe-wound in a gorilla’s back. Yo mama so hairy that they put her on National Geographic. yo mama so hairy she had a threeway with bigfoot and donkey kong yo mama is so hairy when I opened up her leg a Axl Rose popped out singing “Welcome to the Jungle” Yo mama’s titties are so hairy she needs lumberjacks to shave them Yo Mamas so hairy, even her STD’s gets lost”! Yo mama so hairy, that when your baby brother was born he died of rug burns Yo mama so hairy, she opened her legs and said lets go to “Busch Gardens” Yo mama so hairy her butt hairs get clogged in the toilet when she flushes Yo mama so hairy that she shaves her pubes with a LAWNMOWER! yo mommas ass is so hairy donkey kong popped out and shouted “Only In America” Yo mama so hairy she is a failed experiment in mutation. yo momma so fat and hairy the only language she know is wooky Yo mama so hairy and ugly when big foot saw her he thought she was his true love. Yo mama aint so bad…she would give you the hair off of her back! You mamma is so hairy that when she weared a green bikini to the beach people said GODZILLA! Yo mamma is so hairy when she puts on a yellow dress she looks like big bird Yo Mama so hairy when you’re baby brother was born he died of rug burn. yo mama so hairy that she when she ran track everybody sang “Who Let The Dogs Out” Yo mamas so hairy that when she goes to the zoo, little kids say, “Mommy look, a new exhibit” Yo mama’s butt is hairy it made my head look bald Yo mama is so hairy and ugly the Ninja Turtles called her Master Splinter. You mama so hairy, people started to call her Hairy Styles. Yo momma so hairy, Bigfoot went into hiding after yo momma wouldn’t marry him. yo momma so hairy she has side burns on her boobs Your mama ass so hairy, when she went to the zoo the elephant said ” Hey look, my ancestor the wooly mammoth is back.” your mama is so hairy when she walked up to king kong he said “The family reunions over there” yo momma is so hairy she makes a gorilla look shaved Yo mamma so hairy when she went to a zoo she was placed behind bars and was classified as an endangered species. yo mama so hairy she got an afro on her ass and tits yo mama is so hairy bigfoot saw her and fell in love! Yo mama’s armpits are so hairy it looks like she’s got two wookies in a head lock yo momma so hairy she got cornrows on her feet. Yo momma so hairy the only language she speaks is wookie. What’s fat hairy and ugly, yo mama

source: http://www.jokes4us.com/yomamajokes/yomamasohairyjokes.html

YO MOMMA SO CRAZY JOKES!

Yo momma so crazy I asked her if she liked Star Wars and she told me she has a vibrating light saber under her bed! Yo momma so paranoid she knows more about your girlfriend than you do. Yo mama so crazy she tried to screw the ATM to get money. Yo momma so crazy I saw her on a wanted poster at the post office. Yo mama so paranoid she did a background check on all of your friends. Yo mama so paranoid she double checks your doctor on WebMD during the appointment. Yo momma so ignorant she thinks all black people can play basketball. Yo mama so paranoid she checks your girlfriends for breast cancer. Yo mamma so crazy she tried to put a Happy Meal on layaway. Yo momma so crazy doctors readjust her meds on a daily basis. Yo mama so crazy she created a gmail account just so she can eat the spam. Yo mama is so crazy not even Google could translate her. Yo mama so crazy she disses her kids with Yo mama Jokes. Yo mama so crazy when I asked her why she likes to smell her own farts for. She replied “Because im addicted to crack.” Yo mama so crazy, whenever she goes running she takes the psycho-path. Yo momma so paranoid, she is a serial killer in disguise. Yo momma is such a scaredy cat she walks down the hall with a BB gun in her hands. Yo mama so crazy she went to the library to find Facebook. Yo mama so crazy she thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday. Yo mama so paranoid, when playing Monopoly, before passing go, she stops and looks both ways. yo momma so crazy she put paper on the TV and called it paper view. Yo momma so crazy she walks around in a strait-jacket. Yo mamma so crazy she allowed the priest to give you a prostate exam. Yo momma so crazy when she wanted to fight, she said “It’s me, myself, & I against you. Its 3 of us & 1 of you”. your momma so crazy she has a beehive in her weave.

Silly Kids Jokes


Now that your big kid’s sense of humor has progressed, she appreciates riddles and more complex humor. Here are 20 great kid-friendly jokes to make your child laugh.

Q: Why was 6 afraid of 7?
A: Because 7, 8, 9.

Q: What musical instrument is found in the bathroom?
A: A tuba toothpaste.

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Pizza.
Pizza who?
Pizza really great guy!

Q: What do you call cheese that’s not yours?
A: Nacho cheese!

Q: What do elves learn in school?
A: The elf-abet.

Q: Why did the boy bring a ladder to school?
A: He wanted to go to high school.

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Interrupting, squawking parrot.
Interrupting, squawking parr-
SQUAWKKKKKKKKKKK!

Q: Where do pencils go for vacation?
A: Pencil-vania.

Q: Why did the girl smear peanut butter on the road?
A: To go with the traffic jam!

Q: Why do bananas have to put on sunscreen before they go to the beach?
A: Because they might peel!

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Little old lady.
Little old lady who?
Wow, I didn’t know you could yodel!

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Lettuce.
Lettuce who?
Lettuce in, it’s freezing out here!

After many years, a prisoner is finally released.
He runs around yelling, “I’m free! I’m free!”
A little kid walks up to him and says, “So what? I’m 4.”

Q: How do you make a tissue dance?
A: You put a little boogie in it.

Q: Which flower talks the most?
A: Tulips, of course, because they have two lips!

Q: A man arrived in a small town on Friday. He stayed for two days and left on Friday. How is this possible?
A: His horse’s name is Friday!

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Cows go.
Cows go who?
No, silly. Cows go “moo!”

Q: What did 0 say to 8?
A: Nice belt!

Q: What did the mushroom say to the fungus?
A: You’re a fun guy [fungi].

Q: Why couldn’t the pony sing himself a lullaby?
A: He was a little hoarse.

More Hilarious Kids Jokes


Q: How do you know if there’s an elephant under your bed?

Your head hits the ceiling!

Q: Why are elephants so wrinkled?

Because they take too long to iron!

Q: How do you keep an elephant from charging?

Take away her credit card!

Q:  Why did the elephant paint himself different colors?

So he could hide in the crayon box!

Q:  How can you tell if an elephant has been in your refrigerator?

By the footprints in the butter!

Q: What is the difference between elephants and grapes?

Grapes are purple.

Q:  What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming?

“Here come the elephants!”

Q:  What did Jane say when she saw the elephants coming?

“Here come the grapes!” (She was colorblind.)

Q:  What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef!

Q: What do you call a cow with two legs?

Lean meat!

Q:  What do you call a pig that knows karate?

A pork chop!

Q: Why are ghosts bad liars?

Because you can see right through them!

Q: What animal needs to wear a wig?

A bald eagle!

Q: What do you call a fly without wings?

A walk!

Knock knock.

Who’s there?

A little old lady?

A little old lady who?

I didn’t know you could yodel!

Q: Why do bees have sticky hair?

Because they use honey combs!

Q: What do you call an alligator in a vest?

An investigator!

Q:  Why can’t you give Elsa a balloon?

Because she will let it go!

Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?

Frostbite!

Q:  What has four wheels and flies?

A garbage truck!

Q:  Why did the man run around his bed?

Because he was trying to catch up on his sleep!

Q:  Why did the math book look so sad?

Because it had so many problems!

Q:  Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building?

Of course!  The Empire State Building can’t jump!

Q:  If April showers bring Mayflowers, what do Mayflowers bring?

Pilgrims!

Have a joke to add?  Leave a comment with your kids’ favorite joke!

Hilarious Jokes For Kids

Q: How do all the oceans say hello to each other?

They wave!

Q: What did one wall say to the other wall?

I’ll meet you at the corner!

Q: What do you call a bear with no teeth?

A gummy bear!

Q: What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?

Nacho cheese!

Q: Where do cows go for entertainment?

To the moo-vies!

Knock, knock.

Who’s there?

Cows go.

Cows go who?

No, cows go MOO!